My posts on here, largely, have been about wanting to live, live, live. The desolate cries of someone who was somehow seemingly barred from really getting to experience life, banging on the doors of the world to finally be let in. Well, I’m doing it now. And it’s somehow too much.
Since my last post, I’ve moved countries and started my second semester of university, had both lovely and disastrous experiences with men, made new friends, reconnected with old ones, went out literally every single day I was here, got shit-faced and made horrible decisions more times than I’d like to admit, made a plethora of mistakes that made me circle back and recontexualize my whole sense of self, etc etc. That’s mainly what I’m struggling with the most right now - my sense of self, who I ostensibly used to think I was and who I actually am when I’m left to face with certain people, situations and actualities. The person I used to think I was, sitting alone in my room back home, reading countless books and pondering and reflecting and pining, and the person I am in relation to actual people and the world are, it seems to be, at odds with each other.
It’s kind of like whiplash, what I’m experiencing these days - like oh, so that’s who I am? That’s the kind of person I really am, the kind of person I’ve perhaps always been? Was this part of myself just lying dormant, waiting for the right conditions to be unleashed? Am I really this selfish and destructive and inconsistent and impulsive and apathetic, or are certain things and people bringing out the worst in me? I’ve been surprising myself so much lately, both in good and bad ways, discovering new dimensions to myself. I’m also torn between completely putting the blame on myself and blaming the atmosphere of uni culture, of being in your twenties. I probably shouldn’t even be reflecting this rigorously right now at this moment in my life, probably shouldn’t be this hard on myself because isn’t this what I’m supposed to be doing? Being insanely stupid and wreaking havoc and making as many bad decisions as I can in my early twenties? When else would I ever have the permission to act this way? But no, no - I don’t think that’s it. I’m trying to find a balance. I’m trying to gradually return to myself, ground myself in this environment and bring some semblance of peace and sense and quiet into my life.
It’s kind of funny. All I’ve ever wanted was this - being so busy every day that I don’t have time to reflect or sit alone and think. And it’s not that I want to return to how I used to be, solitary and restless for being out in the world, not really. Like I said, I just want to recenter myself so I can return to even an approximation of my old self, my old life. I want to sit alone in my room and not feel like I’m missing out on everything that’s happening around me, anxious to put on makeup and a nice outfit and rush to go meet my friends. I want it both, the quietness and the chaos. Just… stability. I want to watch TV shows and read books and write and draw like I used to, really spend time with myself without feeling like there are better things I could be doing. It’s difficult for me, right now, to not feel like I’m wasting time when I’m not doing anything. But that’s the thing, I need to spend time not doing anything to gain footing, to not lose my already precarious sense of self.
That’s one facet of it. The other stuff, ones involving my interpersonal relationships, are harder to get into. Most of it too shameful to admit on the internet.
from ‘the girl who soared over fairyland and cut the moon in two’ by catherynne valente
But what I’m realizing is this: when you’ve been so starved of certain experiences for such a prolonged period of time - almost feeling like the universe was restraining you in some way - when you do finally get to them, it’s too much. You don’t know what to do, how to act, how to situate yourself in a way that makes sense. You act out, basically. I guess that’s kind of obvious and commonplace, I don’t know. But it makes you feel so incredibly untethered. Maybe it’s a me thing, maybe I just don't have enough self-control, self-restraint, whatever. Your childhood hunger is the one that never leaves you, etc.
It hasn’t all been bad, obviously. I’m grateful for all of it, that these are the kind of problems I’ve been having to grapple with. I’ve met the loveliest people who make me feel good about myself, people that care about me and people I care for deeply, people I can sit with for hours talking and walking around. I’m grateful for the freedom, for the beautiful places I get to see, the good food I get to eat, grateful that I’m studying something I actually am interested in. And I’m having fun, at the end of the day, I really am. I love being in motion, having things to do and places to go and people to meet.
I’m grateful that loneliness evades me now, above everything. If I can just find a way to slowly balance everything out, to think straight about things before acting or deciding, I know I’ll be able to bring peace and light into my life. I’ve only been here for two months. I think I’ll be fine; I hope I will be.
some relevant songs:
You will for sure ♡
it’s actually amazing how u put the words to this feeling of spinning around, of stumbling, of trying to grasp anything stable so you don’t fuck everything up good in your life. thank u sm for ur words because it was like looking into a mirror. but it also comforted me bc it made me feel less alone and that i’m capable of forming a new stability for myself. thank u!